have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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