I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
