pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
someone owes me an orgasm
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Oh god it's open bar.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
