My Higher Power is John Stamos
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
