Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
