i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
