I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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