im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
