You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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