Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
