i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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