The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It was confusing and full of hummus
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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