I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize