I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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