I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
