My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
