I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize