Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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