Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize