fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
