I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
