dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
