3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Randomize
