I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
