Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
