he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
