They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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