remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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