I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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