i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
