just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
