I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
