Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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