You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
