How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
