There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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