He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize