Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
