Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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