I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
