Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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