one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
