So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
