someone threw a dead crab at me
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
