He kissed a someone with a penis
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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