I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
