It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
