Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
