my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
