this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
