Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
