Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize