I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
