My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
