im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
