At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize