Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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