She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
