My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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