we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
